Summer 2020 Classic League – The Big, Beautiful & Bouncy C-Cup Playoff Preview (SNES)

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Welcome to the Playoff Preview for the C-Unit (SNES) 1st Round Series! This took quite a while and I’m too lazy to do another one, so you could say this will cover the entire playoff race. LFG!

1. Birdman8686 (PIT) - 1500
8. thatdrizzle (QUE) + 1500

Season Series (4-1 PIT)

@birdman8686 must be a fan of dual-personality/schizophrenic celeb Miley Cyrus (AKA Hannah Montana), because he came into the C-Unit like a wrecking ball! Birdie’s Pittsburgh Penguins squad led the entire league in GF/G (6.08) AND in GA/G (2.88) and ended the regular season on a 17-game win streak en route to a 36-4 overall record. “HOLY s**t, BATMAN!” is right, Robin! He plays a solid two-way game and has been able to harness the power of both Jagr’s and “Super” Mario’s mullets while still unleashing the crushing 55 & 5 blueline tandem of Larry Murphy and Ulf (THE ULF) Samuelsson on any opponents not skating with their heads up through the middle of the ice. The Bird IS the word, and this is the clear team to beat going into the playoffs.

Across the dot from Birdie is the man whose name just begs the question, “wait, which drizz?”. I’m of course referring to @thatdrizzle, whose Quebec Nordiques managed to sneak into the post-season in the last weekend of the regular season. Drizz is a lifelong genesis player, so the fact that he’s here in the post-season on the SNES is a feat in itself. The regular season matchup between these two teams was one-sided in Birdie’s direction, but in fairness to the Drizz, birdman got the best of pretty much everybody in the league this season. Drizz accomplished a lot in making the playoffs, but he’s running into a friggen buzzsaw in this matchup, and so…


2. Straka82 (CHI) - 1000
7. DanK (VAN) + 1000

Season Series (2-2 tie, 2 OT)

Here come @Straka82's  Blackhawks, a team that was just as stingy on defense as they were hungry on offense. Straka coached his Hawks to an impressive 29-11 regular season record by leaning heavily on the wonderboy Jeremy Roenick and his heterosexual life partner, Steve Larmer, to put the biscuit in the basket on feeds from pretty much everyone else on the team. While not giving up much in their own end, Chicago’s heavy-hitting blueline tandem of “Smelly” Chelios and Steve Smith (the white one) got plenty involved in the offense with crisp passing to set up goals. And having Eddie the Eagle minding the net doesn’t hurt either. Straka knows what he has in this Blackhawks team and he’s got them firing on all cylinders headed into the playoffs.

His opponent, the fiery ginger they call @DanK, is a bit of an enigma. When he’s on, he can play with most anyone in the C-Unit, but his inconsistency resulted in him showing up to the rink either severely inebriated or severely feeling the post-effects of said inebriation. DanK’s Vancouver squad is built for speed, and DanK likes to up the intensity even more by feeding Pavel Bure (#10), that little Russian ball of hate, plenty of AMPHETAMINES before each game. No one outside of Mogilny skates faster than Bure, and few little men (or big men) can hit as hard. Both coaches prefer an up-tempo, pass-heavy game, and they look to light the lamp via one-timers. Straka and DanK split their regular season series 2-2, with 2 games ending in OT and with each team holding court on their home ice. If DanK can control his urges (it’s just one measly week of games Danny, c’mon man, you can do this!), then this should be a barnburner of a series!


3. Triple A (MTL) - 500
6. lego (NYR) + 500

Season Series (3-1 NYR)

@Triple A is known to many around here of recent vintage as an organizer of leagues. He’s the guy who actually does the work that everybody else just sits around talking about doing, with/without our thumbs up our collective asses. He’s also the owner of the C league’s 3rd highest win% (.650), and his Montreal Canadiens (English: Mount Royal Inhabitants) have been scoring goals at a prolific rate all season long (6.08 GF/G). He plays well whether he’s at home or away (13-7 home/road records) and he feasted upon most all of his conference opponents to a 14-8 record amongst that group.

However, within his conference, AAA had trouble with both birdman (join the f**king club) and with his 1st round opponent, @lego. Lego’s NY Rangers have been resting up and watching the rest of the league catch up since the 3rd day of regular season play. Lego completed his season faster than anyone, compiling a very respectable 23-17 record in the process. Since that time, Lego has been a replacement coach for about 12 other leagues/teams, so he’s not resting on his laurels. Lego took the season matchup here, but a lot of time has passed since then. Both coaches bring different squads into this series that I doubt will much resemble anything like in their regular season matchups. Assuming Triple A can keep the hamster that powers his internet connection to continue running on its wheel non-stop, this should be a great series, and one that I’m looking forward to watching as a spectator.


4. mightyeskimo (WPG) + 100
5. blacktopkid (CGY) - 100

Season Series (4-0 WPG, 1 OT) [blacktopkid didn’t finish his season]

@mightyeskimogrew up a yuuuuuuge Atlanta Thrashers fan, and he was absolutely devastated when the evil owner of the franchise, in collusion with Garold Bettman, decided to rip out his heart and move the franchise north of the border to Winnipeg, Manitoba. “Why do the Canadians get all the good stuff?”, he lamented. But absence makes the heart grow fonder and time heals all wounds (thanks, Captain Cliché), so he jumped at the chance to coach his former childhood heroes, the Jets. And coach them he did! Winnipeg’s record of 24-16 placed them amongst just 4 teams in the C-Unit to finish the season with a win% of .600 or higher. One man keeps the Jets flying high and that man is Teemu Selanne. Eskimo’s version of the Finnish Flash had 91 goals on the year and finished the regular season with a PTS/G avg of nearly 3 (2.875)! He was also no stranger to the Sin Bin, and the f**king jerk racked up almost 1 minute/game spent visiting the penalty box (32 mins total).

@blacktopkid stampedes into the post-season with his thundering squad of Flames. I was actually going to make a pretty terrible joke here but even the pixelated version of Gary Suter scares the hell out of me, so I’ll shut my damn yapper and just say that Calgary can hit with the best of them and can take a beating on offense as well, often muscling in effort goals and capitalizing on 2nd and 3rd chances. I don’t expect this series to be as one-sided as was the two teams’ regular season matchups, which were dominated by the Mightiest of Eskimos (4-0). The key for the Jets is keep Selanne soaring around the ice making plays on net, and not finding himself drinking too much PowerAde™ in the box, waiting for his teammates to kill another penalty. Blacktop is the brother of @Triple A, and he managed to get the upper hand on his sibling 3-0 during their season series, so we know he can play. The question is, will the Flames be up for finishing their checks? Or will they do like their coach and leave opportunities out on the ice? (*the joke here is that blacktopkid only played 38/40 games, hence the whole “finish their checks” thing. Jesus tittyfucking Christ do I have to explain everything to you people?)


ODDS TO FONDLE THE C-CUP (based on projected playoff path)

birdman8686 (PIT) + 300

Straka82 (CHI) + 400

Triple A (MTL) + 550

mightyeskimo (WPG) + 1000

blacktopkid (CGY) + 1100

lego (NYR) + 1250

DanK (VAN) + 1450

thatdrizzle (QUE) + 2000

*Public Service Announcement: as @kingraph stated, always bet with your head, not your heart. If you have a gambling problem, like say you’re down 10 large to your guy in Philly and you REALLY need to pick a winner, for the sake of your own two (currently) functioning kneecaps, then we suggest you visit Las Vegas, NV (USA). The abundant towering casinos located there are home to any number of degenerate gambling addicts, who would be more than happy to give you some action for when you need to chase some bad $$ on a bet or even just for a hedge. Check it out!

Edited by DanK
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1 hour ago, blacktopkid said:

Can I bet on myself to win this thing or is that too Pete Rose-like?

Can you bet on yourself?!?!

Does a hobby horse have a wooden dick? 

Last time i checked this is still America, my friend: land of the free and home of more COVID cases than just about anywhere. You can do anything you damn well please! In fact it's practically encouraged!

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6 hours ago, koke_45 said:

If you bet on both teams, I think you might break even.  

I ran the math and what @koke_45 said actually checks out. So bet away!


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