The Chicago Roenick Times

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Goulet to be honored with men's room plaque.

Head coach Mick is honoring Michel Goulet for his services (or lack their of) to the Chicago Roenicks with a plaque in every men's lavatory above the urinals.

Goulet is expected to polish the pine this season after a poor training camp in which he couldn't catch the chicken. Then during the teams 1st game he was laid out for the period in which team trainer Mr. Miyagi had to perform a healing rub.

Mick issued this public statement on Goulet during the teams 1st home game

"It's the least I can do for this, this, bum. Now get the hell out we got train'n ta do!"

In other news the new visiting locker rooms are nearly complete. They've been redecorated with pink and purple hues over the weekend and the new ad campaign in which Chicago refs will sport Lens Crafters logos should be ready for the teams next home game.

Finally the Roenicks are off to a 3-0 start despite not playing their top game.

"It's a collective effort." Says Roenick. "I score, pass, check, 1 time, and make saves too..It's all about the team concept."

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Joe Murphy Voodoo Doll Night ends in horrific fashion - Roenicks stumble into playoffs

The first 500 fans who received a limited edition Joe Murphy voodoo doll at the Roenicks final home game got more than the price of admission.

Throngs of fans arrived early in hopes of getting their very own doll..As the dolls were passed out during the Roenicks warm up skate Murphy began to contort wildly on the ice..At one instant Joe was striking himself about the face and the next second he was bouncing up and down like a super ball on the ice..On one occasion Joe was suspended, in mid-air levitating above the rink when he careened of the jumbo tron and into the penalty box..It was a violent exorcism that resulted in the game being canceled via DNP, and Murphy being air lifted to a local hospital where he lay tonight in a full body cast. His status is believed to be critical.

Coach Mick was available for comment, "Did you see the guy out there?! Holy toledo! Who knew he was such an athlete? We'll give the boy some Robotussin and have him ready for practice tomorrow, and the playoffs."

The Roenicks got off the blocks fast but have faltered in the closing weeks of the season due to a general lack of umph, more specifically a sporadic schedule that had them on the ice once or twice every week..They will have to get their act together quicky as the Calgirly Flamers will host the first round matchup with the Roenicks.

BREAKING NEWS:

A Calgirly Flamers playoff propaganda video has been leaked to the general public from a source who is operating under conditions of anonymity. Viewer discretion is advised.

The Roenick Times in no way, shape, or form, supports, or endorses this video.

[addisonbr]

Holy mustaches batman!

[mack]

WOW. How gay and hilarious is that video?

Look at poor Al in the back - looks like he mouthed 'just shoot me now' at one point.

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Roenicks extinguish Flamers in 7 - Worldwide shortage of paper due to Jamaica's Bob Marley festival depletes Roenick Times paper press.

It took all 7 games in this white knuckle rendezvous to decide a winner, when the dust settled the Roenicks were the survivors.

Things looked promising when the Flamers forced game seven at Saddle but the Roenicks erupted with 9 goals and advance to meet K-GBman's Pens in the 2nd round

Box Scores

The frenetic pace of the series forced me to shelve my West Coast pass first style of offense for a gritty crash and bang ballroom brawl. Having that 164 lb gapped tooth wrecking ball at center gave me fits and I also met the master of the breakout pass, you killed me on breakaways the whole series.

ggs Jamonica, you got nothing to be ashamed of losing to the games best team.