New York Islanders: The Quest for Victory...


Hossmann
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Yes, I know I'm running late, so try and enjoy my pathetic attempts at humor, kay?

PREVIEW - In Gens B, there lies a team that ambitiously awaits the season, a team that looks forward to the future... that is next season. This team is none other than the New York Islanders. For how anxious the Islander fan base is awaiting the upcoming season, here's a tidbit from The New York Times:

NEW YORK ISLANDERS - Projected Standings: 0-20-0, Projected Rank: 6th (12th in league)

Rick Moranis in a dodgeball game. What do you think of when you try to see that image? If you're like me, you think of the Islanders. If anything, the only thing they'll be successful in getting is a little captain in them. Sadly, I don't mean Captain Morgan. Expect them to vie for position in the Adam Banks sweepstakes. Oh, well, at least we have the Rangers. Oh, wait...

~ Bingo McStarr

Next page ---> A tribute to Bingo McStarr

Despite the pessimism of local and national syndications, Coach Mann is optimistic that the Islanders will surprise a lot of people. "Don't worry, I've got a super-secret plan under my sleeve that will bring tears to your eyes."

GAME ONE - NEW YORK ISLANDERS - 3, LOS ANGELES KINGS - 9

A middle-aged man in a Mike Bossy jersey weeping in his nachos; that would summarize the average Islander fan's reaction to this game. The "secret plan" Coach Mann prophesied about was nothing more than a terribly emulated version of the Flying V. "It worked in the movie, damnit!" Mann said. "f**king Disney lied to me!" The game was a massacre from the opening faceoff, when Tomas Sandstrom scored .3 seconds into the game. "He said he'd bring tears to your eyes, he's no liar, my friends!" Coach TK of Los Angeles said.

The lack of production from New York's standpoint is to be blamed on Glenn Healy and last night's statement as to why he was never drafted. He gave up all of his goals on the same cross crease move in between the faceoff circles. "What's my motivation to keep the puck out of the net?" Glenn Healy said. "I mean, it's not like there's a Twinkie on the other side of the net. I don't see a new Mercedes-Benz in my driveway if I get a shutout. Do I get my wife to put out when I make a flashy save? Hell no, she makes me sleep on the damn couch anyway!" Unfortunately, Mark Fitzpatrick is currently on vacation in Florida, so there is no replacement for Healy in the foreseeable future.

"Don't worry, everyone. We'll solve this goaltending situation." Mann said. "I just need a way to generate 1.21 gigawatts of electricity."

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