Stars Not Shining

[Wittgenstein]

DALLAS, Texas-- After high hopes in the beginning of the season, the Stars have gotten off to a slow start, going only 8-7 in their first 15 games. Because of the mediocre start, the Stars have lost all of the confidence that they once had and chaos has ensued:

In a post-game interview, team Captain Mike Modano was quoted as saying : "I wish I was never born. I play to win, and when we lose a small part of me dies." Later that night, the Dallas police received a phone call from the Modano family compound about an attempted suicide. According to police reports, Modano tried to commit suicide by overdosing on sleeping pills. To his disappointment, Modano made it out alive when ambulances promptly rushed to the scene and pumped the drugs out of Modano's system.

When team coach Ludwig Wittgenstein was asked about the Stars' slow start, he said, "If only we had Gary Roberts... oh, how life would be different. Oh, Lord, why has thou not blessed me with Gary Roberts! Damn you, lord-- Damn you!"

When the more modest Russ Courtnall was asked about the slow start, he said, "Umm... we have a winning record. I'm fast-- faster than your car-- and we aren't doing too bad. Considering the circumstances, the only way things could be better is if Katherine Heigl would have sex me." Then, after commenting on Heigl, his expression suddenly turned melancholic: his head went down, his warm demeanor was swept from his face and he appeared to be in deep thought. After sitting and collecting his thoughts he exclaimed, " You can't always get what you want in life, but oh how I wish I could have Katherine Heigl. I would give up my speed, shot, and agility for her any day; If I had her, I would quit hockey and move into a nice little cottage with her in the country, where we would start a family and make love every day."

Starting winger Neal Broten declined to comment on the slow start or Modano's suicide attempt, but he was, however, spotted at a strip club late last night with close friend Pacman Jones. When Flames winger Gary Roberts was asked about Broten being seen at a strip club, he exclaimed, "Pay to have sex? Are you serious? Women pay to have sex with me."

Despite still being held in the hospital, Modano is expected to be in the lineup for the Stars' next game.

[The Russian Rocket]

lol... poor Mike Modano he got hruded